you make me feel so inferior.
I’m sorry I suck.
Sorry I got upset because you didn’t know what day my grad party is.
Sorry that I didn’t open up after I got upset and you got angry with me for not telling you why I’m upset.
Sorry that I’m a fucking dumbass and I fucking ruin everything and fuck everything up.
You saying that everything is dumb doesnt make me feel fantastic.
It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like you’re scolding me.
I hate when you talk to me and you try to defend your side of the argument and you use sarcastic comments or snide remarks. It makes me so angry. It makes me feel like a dumbass.
Everything is shit.
Maybe I should try to sleep. It’s already 2:40….
I don’t even want to lay next to you and try I sleep it makes me so upset.
I couldn’t even sleep facing you tonight because you wreak of alcohol so bad.
And it’s 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep. You’re passed out and I’m sitting up because you took up the whole couch and it’s too cold to sleep on the floor by myself. But I feel that’s what will end up happening.
I don’t know what’s happening with us.
I’m just full of disappointment and disapproval all the time.
I wish we actually hung out just us. We never do anything like that and I hate it. Were always with people. I feel like I don’t even really know him.
I feel like we don’t act like best friends. I wish we did. That’s important to me. I wish we acted cute. I wish things weren’t so awkward all the time still. I just want to be happy and it’s seriously eating at me.
It has been.
Whoop di do. Finally fucking crying after so long. And it’s right next to you and you have no clue.
I hate this. I hate everything. I’m so sad.
I’m so unsatisfied with everything.
Why am I so sad lately? Things were supposed to be getting better because I’m out of school.
I’m hoping me getting a job will bring us closer. Then we’ll actually be able to go do things. It could also being us farther apart though. This sucks.
God damnit.
It’s cold.
so.. what now?
I’m growing increasingly more sad through these Summer days. However, I do not know how to explain it.
I always want to tell Hayden how much I care for him and how much he really means to me, but when I do think of telling him, when the time comes I back out. I don’t really know why.
Maybe I am afraid. I’m so afraid because I know he’s got me. He for sure has me and that is so fucing scary. I am so vulnerable and I feel that he controls it. He controls the relationship and it’s just like I try so hard not to fuck up, but I still manage to make him hate me. By not opening up to him or being too emotional when he playfully calls me names.
But I want to scream at him how much I really do love him. How much I want to memorize all of his features. The way he squints his eyes, the way his mouth drops open and he makes that stupid face. The way his back curves, the way his feet arch. How far his back dimples go in. The lines on his face. How his fingers and hands feel when he caresses my body. I want to memorize what it feels like to touch him. How beautiful he is. It’s fucking crazy how beautiful he is. He’s way too motherfucking perfect. I want to absorb everything that is him and I want to know everything about him. From his head to his toes.
He is so lovely and caring, but I just feel like as of recently he isn’t too fond of me. He’d rather be with other people. He doesn’t really ever ask to make plans with me :/
Every day I ask what he’s doing for that evening and he either replies with I’m unsure or that he’s riding and then hanging out with a friend. Well… I’d like him to take some initiative to be with me and spend time with me. I don’t want to force him to hang out with me though. That’s why I never really try to say oh well if you’re not doing anything we could hang out. Well… when I have tried to ask him to hang out, it never works. He always has plans or makes plans. I don’t know it’s just dumb. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me. idk… I suck.
I feel like I am just a burden on him because I have no job and no money and I suck and I’m not a great girlriend and I don’t do enough for him and I don’t do anything right. That’s a big factor… the having a job and money part. If I had money I’d be able to pay for myself and we’d be able to go places.
I suck. I’m awful. I legitimately feel as if he doesn’t want to be with me beccause things feel so fucking different lately. It makes me so scared. It makes me so sad.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel so stupid and dumb.
I feel like a complete idiot.
I try to brush off me not going to san jose state anymore like it doesn’t effect me… well it does.
I’m extremeley sad I am not going away anymore. I’d want to go there or SF, but it’s too late for anything now. Everything sucks.
I wish I was going away for college.
I fucked up big time.
It’s all my fault and this is one more reason for my parents to hate me.
I feel disgusting.
Sick to my stomach.
My heart is racing and I have the worst feeling ever.
I hate this feeling. I hate when I get it and it won’t go away. I just want to break down and cry.
I haven’t cracked yet, but oh god, when I do… it will be one of those deep crys where you just want to cry and cry to get it all out and you want to scream to release everything that has been built up. And it feels so good but at the same time it’s the most miserable you can ever feel.
And I feel like my head is spinning and I feel faint and if I didn’t try not to, I could collapse and pass out right in this moment.
I feel so utterly sad that I am actually writing and I am actually painting because I want to for the first time in so long.
I need to release these emotions. I need to get them out.. but no one to talk to.
I want to cry.
I need to go back to see my therapist.
I feel like I’m just dumb.
I feel like you hate me and you don’t care.
I feel like I just suck.
You make me feel so dumb all the time and I don’t even know why. And that’s the worst thing ever for me. Feeling stupid and dumb.
